Donald J. Trump’s Golden Cruise ship Trumptanic has hit an enormous iceberg and is sinking. The ship is advertised as the greatest, most fantastic, unsinkable, super luxury cruise ship in the world. Here are details on the ship.
- Owner: Donald J. Trump
- Brand: Trump Golden Cruise
- Length: 1,045′
- Builder: Putin Ship Works
- Launch: June 16, 2015
- Inauguration: January 20, 2017
- Fee: Rate plus Trump tribute
- Gifts: MAGA gear
- Complimentary: Trump product samples
- Monetary: Trump golden tokens
- Solvency: Six bankruptcies
- Legal: Multiple federal and state investigations underway
Here are the reports coming in from the ship.
The ship has reportedly struck a gigantic iceberg.
Trump has been told by the ship’s designer that it will sink.
Only the crew and the press, except Fox News, are wearing life preservers. Not a single Trump supporter, enabler, child, or spouse has been seen wearing a life preserver.
Melania Trump is not on board. She is in Paris for her biannual clothing, jewelry, and perfume shopping extravaganza. As always, when she’s finished in about 2-3 weeks, her purchases will be shipped on a C17 cargo jet and then taken by truck to various Trump homes.
House Representatives Kevin McCarthy, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, Jim Jordan, Mo Brooks, Andy Biggs, Louie Gohmert, Lauren Boebert, Scott Perry, Brian Babin, Paul Gosar, Andy Harris, and Jody Hice are conducting a Trump worship rally in the Trump Golden Temple. Mark Meadows, Jeffrey Clark, and John Eastman are walking toward the speaking podium on an altar-like stage in front of a grotesque 12′ golden statue of Trump. Former congressman Devin Nunes is at the Trump statue lighting 45 golden candles. Steve Bannon, Michael Flynn, Roger Stone, Peter Navarro, and Sidney Powell are on the nearby kneeling benches. Proud Boy leader Enrique Tarrio and Oath Keepers founder Stewart Rhodes were seen in the front row of the audience cheering on each speaker with a raised fist.
Senators Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Cindy Hyde-Smith, Cynthia Lummis, John Kennedy, Roger Marshall, Rick Scott, Tommy Tuberville, and Rand Paul are holding a Trump fundraising rally in the Trump Golden Palace ballroom. They are joined by Rupert Murdoch, Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, and Laura Ingraham of Fox News.
Mitch McConnell was expected to be on the cruise but backed out at the last minute. McConnell sent an unnamed staff member to be his proxy.
We’ve verified that all the Republican senators and house representatives who voted to overturn the 2020 election results are on board. Not one of them is wearing a life preserver even after being repeatedly asked to do so by the ship’s captain.
Senators Lindsey Graham, Joe Manchin, and Kyrsten Sinema were later observed in the Trump Golden MAGA bar along with many of the people listed above. A clearly drunk Rudy Giuliani was heard repeatedly saying “This ship is a rising winner and not a sinking loser. I have evidence to prove it.” Featured cocktails in the Trump Golden MAGA bar include Trump Truth, Trump Insurrection, Trump Impeachment, Trump Virus, and more.
Mo Brooks, Donald Trump Jr., Rudy Giuliani, John Eastman, Roger Stone, and Kimberly Guilfoyle each gave incendiary speeches to civilian Trump supporters in the Trump Palooza Showroom. It is located in the confined steerage accommodations on the bottom decks. It is estimated that there are 666 civilian Trump supporters on board.
Trump has reportedly given a 90-minute speech at all three events, talking exclusively about himself. His speech was accompanied by giant screen images of… himself. Many attendees were seen leaving after just 15 minutes.
Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz were seen sneaking into the Trump Golden Showers Spa together. Although a sign posted on the door said “No Press Allowed,” Rupert Murdoch, Tucker Carlson, and Laura Ingraham were observed entering through the rear staff entrance door.
Mark Meadows, Rudy Giuliani, and Jeffrey Clark were just seen eating at the Trump Golden Cheese Burger. Reportedly there is a hotline from Trump’s private Golden Presidential Suite to the restaurant. The restaurant is heavily stocked with Diet Coke, of course.
Trump is now on the ship’s PA loudspeakers saying, “This is the most incredible and beautiful ship ever made. Believe me, it is unsinkable. The press reports about the ship sinking are fake news. It was just a small iceberg that cannot hurt us. It will just magically go away. Go on celebrating, we love you, you’re very special.”
A poorly disguised Trump was just seen ripping a baby from the arms of a horrified immigrant crew member and then jumping into a lifeboat containing only women and children. Mark Meadows was recorded restraining the screaming woman as the lifeboat motored away. A few seconds later Trump was observed lunging toward the neck of the crew member piloting the boat and demanding to be taken to the US Capitol.
Oblivious to Trump’s escape from the ship, his supporters, enablers, and family continue to praise and worship him into the early morning even as the ship begins to severely list and sink further and further.
A worldwide audience to these reports is planning a 45-day celebration starting the moment the ship goes under.
U.S. law enforcement officials from multiple agencies are on boats and planes determined to find and arrest Donald J. Trump and take him straight to ADX Florence maximum federal prison in Colorado. There Trump will begin a sentence that matches in years the number of Americans who died protecting the US Capitol on January 6, 2021, and from the COVID-19 pandemic. This equals more than a million years. A compassionate sentence since most Americans wanted a public execution.
Trumptanic headquarters on the tiny cockroach-infested island of “Trump Golden Isle” will be bombed out of existence by all branches of the U.S. Military during the worldwide celebration of Trump’s demise and democracy’s resilience.
Let the global party begin!
Sing it! “There’ll be dancing, dancing in the street…”